**Thanks to those of you who signed up for the 2014 Book Challenge! I’m excited to start The Last Lecture. Have you gotten your copy already? I’ll be sending out an email shortly with discussion questions and timeline goals for the next few weeks. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, click over here!**
because i can’t write a blog post, without a picture. and: she’s the boss. seriously.
WANTED IMMEDIATELY (CALL ME ASAP IF YOU MEET QUALIFICATIONS.) 1-800-IHAVENO$$$:
- Full-time dog hair picker upper. Willing to aggregate dog hair from the oddest of places including, but not limited to, cushion cracks, the space between the rug and the rug liner, the air suction space between my refrigerator door and the rubber thing-a-ma-doodle that keeps it sealed shut when closed, the entire interior space of my car, every inch underneath my bed, the two centimeter space between my dresser and the floor, my dog’s skin, clean laundry, dirty laundry, the washing machine, the floor underneath the washing machine, the space between the washing machine and the floor, the detergent capturer cup thing in the laundry machine.
- Working Clone or Sugar Papa. Candidate must possess the ability to complete my job duties for the rest of my lifetime. Flexibility to work varying hours each week depending on the client’s hopes, wishes and the ice cream flavor of the day, preferred. Priority given to candidates who will, better yet, pay off all future clients into liking absolutely everything that I do and approving my need to work remotely from the beaches of Hawaii.
- Private Chef. Referrals for James Beard Award nominees accepted. Must be willing to work flexible hours depending on hunger pains. Ability to adjust menu to various, and weird, cravings including gluten-free toast with strawberry jelly and salami, bowls of chocolate and peanut butter mixed together and nutella crepes directly from Paris, France, required. Candidate should also double as a body-guard protecting me from myself. Example provided: Candidate will use bodily harm (e.g. slap wrists) when, or if, I try to purchase a Big Gulp Coke and King-Size Reese’s for $2 from the local 7-11. This is a precautionary item. Not like I’ve done it before.
- Chauffeur. Must possess own car. Car must be a pimped out, tinted Bentley. Must be willing to dispose of my current car (cracked bumper, interior covered in dog hair, etc.) by any means necessary. Filling this position may limit hours required for the Full-time Dog Hair Picker Upper. Sorry, I’m not sorry.
- Fitness Double. Job duties include performing as my toned, really-good-looking, super in-shape body double. Exceptions include that I don’t want you to actually be my body double. I want to experience everything in my life, as normal, except with my fitness double’s body transposed onto mine. This may require high-tech science-tology that has been, or has not been, developed yet. TBD. More to come.
- Dog Barking Reprimand-er. Must be willing to scold my dog for misuse of barking (some barking, when appropriate, is OK). Note: It is hard to tell the difference between appropriate and the misuse of barking. Strong, apologetic communication skills (especially with small children in the hallway, children’s parents and random handymen on the street below) is preferred. Candidate should NOT scold dog through physical force, verbal commands or barking re-enactments. In fact, dog miming may be required in an interview for entertainment purposes only.
- Man to serenade me with John Legend’s new song. This could or could not be my boyfriend. Willing to look at options. Just look. Jeez, Louise.
Priority given to those applications that come with a box of cupcakes, flowers and verbal affirmations. Applications accepted in person (especially with cupcakes). You can find me on the beach… in a different country… because apparently America is not ready for summer, let alone spring, yet.
I am an equal opportunity employer… for people with cupcakes.